On Leaving the Priesthood

Part 1 of 3

On Leaving The Priesthood

"You are a priest forever."

This verse is often quoted whenever we talk about the priesthood, but what does this really mean? Is priesthood a lifetime confinement of no escape?

An internet site says that at least 120,000 priests worldwide left the ministry in the past 60 years. While this may be a shocking information, we cannot deny the fact that priesthood faces different challenges amidst this fast changing world.

Priests leave the ministry for so many reasons although it does not happen in a snap. There are signs which indicate a probable walkout from the ministry. A very basic sign is the loss of prayer life. During the years in the seminary, prayer is seen as the foundation of everything. They are taught to quiet down, meditate and enhance their personal relationship with the person they want to follow-Jesus Christ. Priesthood, first and foremost, is a fruit of a personal relationship with Christ and serving the people is only an extension of following Jesus. When a priest stops praying he closes down the very source of his ministry and denies the very essence of being a priest.

Losing the community life is also a factor. A priest may one day wake up feeling unwanted by his confreres in the community where he is supposed to be welcomed and accepted as he is. In the loneliness of being alone, the sadness of being rejected, and the pain of being separated from loved ones, amidst the yearning for affirmation, the intoxicating boredom of office works, the suffocating criticisms of the faithful, and the surging guilt of unworthiness, to whom will the priest go but to a fellow priest who has experienced the same things he encounters. If the priest feels unaccepted by his brother priests, to whom will he turn to? Yes, even a fellow priest can make another priest walk away.

Fortunate is he if there's still a family waiting for him. But when he comes home, the place is no longer familiar. His parents may be long gone and his siblings may already have their own families. The children may probably not know the priest due to his absence for a long time. This leaves him lost, where will he go for support? He may find himself at a dead end. There is nowhere to go and an easy escape is to build some kind of defense mechanism. In front of the people, the priest now pretends in control of everything, especially his life. He strives for power- more power, to prove his significance. Other priests succumb to addiction like gambling, drugs, alcohol, TV, internet and sex. Still others turn to eating to forget, thinking that instead of being addicted to other things, better be addicted to eating. At first, it comes like a way of coping up but soon enough, the priest finds himself enslaved by these vices.

Then out of the blue, the priest finds himself in need of company. He feels alone, lonely and in need of care. he may find it with a very caring and loving woman. But when the community finds out, they will look at it this way, "Nakahanap ng babae kaya lumabas ng pagpapari."

Little did they know that the priest, human as he is, faces the same sufferings an ordinary human being can experience. He gets sick too and needs others to care for him. He gets irritated too, perhaps because of personal issues to confront which he may find difficult at the moment. He also gets insecure about financial stability, like what's going to happen to him when he gets old and needs to retire? He has secrets too- things he is afraid others may find out and his spiritual director may not always be around when he needs to spill himself, or he may not always feel like talking about his life with him at all.He also gets exhausted for overloaded works entrusted to him. And most of all, he feels dry too, sometimes or oftentimes, in the deepest recesses of his heart, for reasons, he as a priest can't also identify.

But when he heads towards the door with two hands up, when he gives up after all the hardships he's been to, the community without difficulty will conclude, "Nakakita ng babae kaya lumabas ng pagpapari."

Although priesthood, despite its vow for simplicity, is not that simple at all, a priest still has options he can take. He may choose to avoid making things complicated. He may decide to face his issues rather than hide from them in fear or in denial. Writing things down can help him know himself better. He, like anyone else, can discover the wisdom of circumstances once strong emotions subsided, this way, keeping a journal may help. The priest can plan for his life by setting goals about what he wants to do in the future. He may also choose to talk regularly with his spiritual director who willingly will help him when conflicts within himself arise.

There are more options to choose from, but the most important is, when he feels lost and wants to walk out, he can go back to the basic things he know by heart- to pray and rediscover the true desire that lives within his heart, and to enjoy his community with his brother priests and find again the lost fire that burns for the sincere yearning to consecrate himself to follow Jesus.

Because in the end, priesthood is still a mystery...